Can I Still Conceive?

Two months ago I visited my RE to review my initial labs (FSH, AMH, E), I was disheartened to learn how far outside of the normal range my results fell. True I am 40 years old, however, I felt that I had been vigilant about my health my entire life. In fact, at the age of 36 and 37 I was an NFL cheerleader, where optimal physical fitness, flexibility, stamina, and dance were an integral part of the job requirement. Ok- that may have come across as a bit self centered (sorry) - but my point is, I am someone who always paid attention to my health and fitness.

Well, that day I learned that one's fertility declines tremendously (at age 40) regardless of other indicators of physical health. It's primarily age driven (at least, that is the situation for me). I sat there in shock... tears in my eyes as I looked at my lab report indicating an AMH far below one (1) and FSH above 14. Why and how could this have happened when I am such a health buff! Dr. X's response, "Some career women think their fertility will wait for them ... I see this all the time!" (Gasp) Did he really just say that to me! "No, Dr. X, I've wanted a baby for the past 7 years, I've just not been able to get the right man. Believe me!" In a tone of sarcasm, his response was, "Well, I guess you are one of the few career women who chose to wait but say they didn't put their job first!" Wow, how insensitive! It's bad enough to learn that you have indications of infertility, however simultaneously you have to hear your RE tell you that you are likely in this situation at 40 because you were so self centered by focusing on your career. That couldn't be further from the truth- I never put career first! I've been in private practice for 11 years, so there is no corporate ladder to climb. In my particular field I can take off however/whenever I would like for pregnancy and a child. I was insulted by his off handed comment that I put my career before family. I wanted so badly to tell him that my reality was 1) a string of bad men, 2) integrity of not wanting to trap a man, and 3) a fear of considering a sperm donor because I felt that if I just hold out longer 'Mr. Right' will come along. Those are the reasons I was sitting there at 40 with no biological children - it had nothing to do with my career! Geez!

Trying to conceive is certainly a journey. I feel fortunate I have wonderful people in my life to share my feelings with (the good and the bad). To my fellow women trying to add a new baby to their lives and found that you have obstacles, just know that you are not alone.

xoxoxoxo

Whoa.... Let's Slow This Down!

On Friday, the 25th I had an appointment with my RE for my sonohystergram. It was a really quick examination of the uterus, where saline is injected to fill the uterus and get a look at the walls. Checking for fibroids, etc. Well she said my uterus looks great. Yaaay ... just waiting for my little bambino!

One second I was looking at the top of her head as I laid with my feet in the stirrups and the next second she handed me a packet of antibiotics and had one foot out the door. "Wait, Dr. W.... I have a question!" As I said that the packet of pills flew out of the envelope and into her face. Ooooops! Luckily, she thought it was funny ("If you didn't want the meds Sophia, you could've simply told me- LOL!")


I then dressed and went in a separate conference room to sign paperwork. I figured I would be told the protocol and given an opportunity to ask questions. But nope. I signed papers associated with IVF for nearly two hours. It was so overwhelming. I tried in between the signing to ask about the protocol; but she let me know that the focus needs to be the paperwork.

Basically, when the visit ended I was given a calender that stated stimming meds start on Thursday (March 31st) and egg retrieval would be approximately 12 days after that. I left with my head spinning.... no one explained the protocol.... I haven't had an injection class yet. Am i going straight from birth control pills then next day stimming? Iis that okay?

I had to send an email to the nurse and told her that in order for me to move forward I must have a protocol review consult with the RE -- I can't be in the dark about what the meds are, what my protocol is, and the exact calendar. I haven't even taken an injection class --- slow this thing down!! LOL

So tomorrow I have a consult with the RE to ask questions! Awesome -- I just hope that she and I are in agreement that I NOT go straight from birth control pills to stimming.

For me, this feels like such a vulnerable process. I am putting tremendous trust, faith (and money) into a group of people I don't know. Then, to top it off I have read a few things online that suggested you not go straight from birth control pills to stimming. This has me very worried that my RE will not see it that way and decide to keep her protocol/plan as is. If she doesn't change it and I go through this IVF cycle and not get pregnant I know I will feel very frustrated with her. I am praying for a positive meeting tomorrow filled with collaboration and ending with a modified protocol!!  :o)
xoxox
Sophia

Introduction

Hi! My name is Sophia and I'm so excited that I've made the decision to have a baby on my own. I created this blog, as I wanted a place to document this journey. I'm 40 years old and a professional who works full time in the medical field. You may ask, "how did you get here- having a baby with a donor?" "Are you the type who put your career over planning a family?" Great questions! Here is my story:

A couple of years ago I was in a two relationship with a man I loved very much. We talked about marriage and family and like any other woman in love I was ecstatic about building a life with him. I had been in a long term relationship before him with a man who vacillated between wanting more children (he had a son) and not wanting more children. I was 36 at the time, therefore I decided to leave that relationship because I knew for sure that I wanted to be a mother. I could never trap a guy into parenthood, so I decided to go back out into the dating world. That's when I found 'the man of my dreams' (or so I thought).Let's call him uhhhh, "John".

Anyhow, John already had a 2 yr old daughter, who I bonded with very quickly and enjoyed spending time with. After over a year in the relationship, I told John that given that I was 38 years old I was more concerned that we work on the family first and then do the marriage/ wedding afterward, He was in complete agreement and even picked out names that he wanted for his son and I chose the name for a daughter. We were really giddy and happy. It all seemed so perfect.

We had our first try at making the baby and of course it was tons of fun. However, to my surprise - Big Fat Negative. Hmmmmm I became concerned so I told John that I'd feel more comfortable if I had my fertility checked out... just to be sure. He was fully supportive and even went with me on the day that I had the ultrasound. All the testing came back and my numbers and everything looked really really good. Woooo hoooo!! So I figured we would simply continue to try and likely it would happen, however if it didn't, the reproductive endocrinologist told us to come back (if it had totaled 6 months of trying). I felt comfortable with that. However, that month my intuition told me something was very different with John. Something felt very wrong.

All of a sudden there seemed this dark cloud over our relationship and I was naturally confused, because there was no reason for there to be. I asked him was he okay. He told me all was fine. However, his behavior told me that wasn't true. No longer was I able to easily reach him on the phone. Text messages (which used to be returned instantly) were being returned > 6 hours later or not even at all. No longer did he want me coming over. Our entire relationship changed over night, as he was never available anymore. I was upset, however decided I would just relax and believe in him (because I loved him) ... because, I mean he did say, "Sophia, it's all in your head honey. Nothing has changed."

Well, fast forward two weeks later and I received an email telling me that he decided he was tired of the relationship and wanted to move on. Wished me the best with my life. I was devastated. He told me that on the same day that I received my 2nd BFN (which he never even asked about).That was nearly two years ago.. Turns out John had been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. The betrayal, lying, and letting go of my dream of a baby was really difficult to get through- however with friends, love, and support I'm just fine now.

In January 2011, I made the decision that I would work on having a baby on my own -with a donor. No, I never thought it would be ME doing this. I always thought I would be married and have my husband around always. However for right now, this is the way I will do it. I will work on finding a good man afterwards. I'm very comfortable with my decision.

Interestingly, out of the blue last month I received a text message. It was John. I was very surprised to see he was contacting me. I was equally annoyed! The audacity... to feel he could simply text me after the way he betrayed me. However, such behavior isn't atypical for a narcissist.

In the text, John told me that he hopes that I eventually met a man and had a baby of my own. He told me that he wanted to show me his two new additions to his family. Within the text was a picture of his 7 month old twin daughters he and his ex girlfriend had together. Yes, I was stunned and hurt ... I cried for over an hour straight and off and on for several more days. To contact me to share that information was cruel in my eyes; he was the one who cheated on me and hurt me- why return to twist in the dagger?! Why would I want to see pictures of his new family he has with the woman he left me for. Oddly, in the text he also told me that he is single again and has custody of all three children ... he misses me very much and feels he made a mistake by walking away. Just despicable, huh?

Delete, delete, delete.... and ignore! I want nothing to do with such a character (or person who lacks character). I'm moving forward in my life and I believe that there is a kind, loving man out there who will value me and my little family.

So, that's my story! :o)  From here on out I will share with you all my current fertility issues and where I am with respect to the IVF process, etc.

Hugs!!!
Sophia