Sunday, May 8, 2011

IVF #1 - Failed


This morning I was awakened by a phone call from the embryologist. Obviously, I knew it wouldn't be good news if she were calling me. She informed me that the embryo's development "arrested" - so that's it. Just as simple as that, this cycle is over.

I have so much to vent right now - I feel so many emotions at this time- about my IVF, infertility, and my support system. Like so many women, it is hard to face after you have tried all that you possibly can, only to get this type of outcome! It makes you wonder how could a second try really be better when I already put forth my best. I'm feeling so hurt right now - how am I supposed to muster up the energy to try again. How!?

It's been a tough week all around. To only have three oocytes from six follicles -already a bad sign. To have two of them die immediately was crushing. And now the final one is gone. Then the other day a friend, who has been a wonderful support, mentioned all the positives regarding her fertility which made me crumble into pain about my situation. Cognitively, I know she wasn't trying to brag, however emotionally that is what it felt like.

I guess I am asking too much that people keep in mind what I have gone through these past four weeks. I mean, she does have her own situation to contend with. I felt that given that she isn't infertile- she simply does not understand the feelings of helplessness and shame. However, I still can't let go of the fact that she knew how unusually difficult and expensive my IVF process was ($7,000 on medications alone)! Yet, she did not take that into consideration. It makes me stop and take a pause. Reevaluate and question her true feelings toward me. Is this a competition or true friendship from her standpoint? (Sigh) it simply feels odd to me.

So, unfortunately the confusion regarding a friendship I valued highly coupled with the failure of my IVF led to significant pain today. This was just an awful week and so for now I will allow myself to feel what I feel and focus on picking up the pieces some other time.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hold on Little Embryo


 My stimming process was quite a stressful time period. It went on for 18 days; I required 9 boxes of 900 iu Gonal F pens, 3 (10 pk) boxes of Menopur, and then from there the typicals (Cetrotide, Ganarelex-3, and Ovidrel). It was a difficult road getting follicles to develop. To my disappointment, I was only able to generate 6 follicles after all that medication. I have suspicions that the protocol simply wasn't appropriate for me. From what I read other protocols, such as 'estrogen priming' would have been better suited and generated more follicles. I had my egg retrieval on Tuesday (5/3/11) and much to my surprise, when I awoke I was informed that three of the follicles were empty. There was no oocyte (egg). I was astonished, disappointed... heart broken. I saw my chances of motherhood again just dwindling. The next day I received a call from the RE explaining that although the follicles were of a size that suggested the eggs were mature, while in the lab they learned 2 of the 3 were not mature and hence those did not fertilize. Now I am down to one embryo.

I hope this little guy is a fighter and that he is strong and can hang in there until egg transfer day, which is scheduled for Monday (5/9/11). Of course I hope that today and tomorrow brings no news from the RE, because 'no news is good news' - it will mean the embryo is progressing and I am still on track for a Monday morning transfer.

It has really been an emotional week. I really thought I would have a chance at 6 oocytes and perhaps 5 or 6 embryos, given the 6 follicles. I had no idea 3 follicles would be empty and two of the three remaining would be immature. As much as I don't want to face reality, it seems I have to come to terms with the likelihood of a 2nd IVF cycle. These cycles are so difficult to go through emotionally, financially, and to some regard physically (numerous daily injections).

I'm pulling for you little embie... this would be the most wonderful Mother's Day gift!