Sunday, May 8, 2011

IVF #1 - Failed

This morning I was awakened by a phone call from the embryologist. Obviously, I knew it wouldn't be good news if she were calling me. She informed me that the embryo's development "arrested" - so that's it. Just as simple as that, this cycle is over.

I have so much to vent right now - I feel so many emotions at this time- about my IVF, infertility, and my support system. Like so many women, it is hard to face after you have tried all that you possibly can, only to get this type of outcome! It makes you wonder how could a second try really be better when I already put forth my best. I'm feeling so hurt right now - how am I supposed to muster up the energy to try again. How!?

It's been a tough week all around. To only have three oocytes from six follicles -already a bad sign. To have two of them die immediately was crushing. And now the final one is gone. Then the other day a friend, who has been a wonderful support, mentioned all the positives regarding her fertility which made me crumble into pain about my situation. Cognitively, I know she wasn't trying to brag, however emotionally that is what it felt like.

I guess I am asking too much that people keep in mind what I have gone through these past four weeks. I mean, she does have her own situation to contend with. I felt that given that she isn't infertile- she simply does not understand the feelings of helplessness and shame. However, I still can't let go of the fact that she knew how unusually difficult and expensive my IVF process was ($7,000 on medications alone)! Yet, she did not take that into consideration. It makes me stop and take a pause. Reevaluate and question her true feelings toward me. Is this a competition or true friendship from her standpoint? (Sigh) it simply feels odd to me.

So, unfortunately the confusion regarding a friendship I valued highly coupled with the failure of my IVF led to significant pain today. This was just an awful week and so for now I will allow myself to feel what I feel and focus on picking up the pieces some other time.

4 comments:

inBetween said...

Dear Sophia,
I am so sorry -- what a particularly horrible day to get such awful news on. Know I am thinking of you. There is so much chance in the IVF process that you shouldn't think that any one try that fails means that the next one will too. Infact the dr probably will be able to help you more the time around. It is ridiculously expensive, I know. I spent many days and nights in tears over it all. I hope there is a chance you can do another try.
sending you lots of love today,
inB

Sophia said...

InB - I really appreciate your words. I'm hurting so much, but if I know me, I will gear myself for a second attempt. So - thank you for the encouragement. Hope all is well with you.

xoxox

Single Mom 2b said...

Before I moved to IVF, my Infertility counselor made me consider that it would take more than one IVF to get me pregnant. She explained how it's a learning process... each woman responds to different protocols in their own way, what works for one may be awful for another.

Knowing this doesn't lessen the pain of a failed cycle, but it does bring about hope in the days to come.

Sophia said...

SingleM2B - I do see what you are saying... many of those who undergo IVF require more than one try. It does give more hope.

Now I am only fearful that the protocol that will work for me will not be discovered. I know I can do one more cycle... however not sure if I can invest in a third.

Thanks again!

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